Aaptiv: The Best Workout App for Busy Parents

I can’t go to the gym. It’s not a matter of “won’t” or “don’t feel like it.” I can’t. Like so many parents out there, my family’s schedule makes a trip to the gym virtually impossible. As it is, I wake up to darkness. I have to leave for work when most people (my family included) are still asleep. After work, I have to pick up my children and cart them to their extracurricular activities. Working out in a gym is not feasible, but I try to make time to workout after they go to bed or when they are vegging out to some YouTube. The problem is, it’s easy to get in a rut when you are creating your own workouts in the comfort of your moldy basement. Then I discovered Aaptiv, the best workout app for busy parents.

Aaptiv is an audio fitness app that motivates you to workout anywhere and anytime. Whether you have an hour for an endurance run, 20 minutes for some high intensity intervals on the stationary bike, or 7 minutes for some strength exercises, Aaptiv guides you through a workout that works for you. Simply choose a workout and a personal trainer comes on to lead and push you through it. A few months ago, finding myself in a workout rut, I decided to give Aaptiv a try. It didn’t take long for me to realize that this app was a game changer for so many reasons.

The Perfect Playlist

I am a runner. Like most runners, I love a good playlist to get me through a workout. But — it seemed like no matter how many fast-paced songs I put on there, inevitably, the Adele ballad I thought would be perfect for a cool down comes on when I’m in the middle of a run, fading fast, and in need of a little Motley Crue to get me pumped (shut up – I don’t judge your playlist). Aaptiv playlists are a miracle. When the trainer is telling you to go faster, miraculously, a corresponding song comes on to pump you up. If you’re working a hill, the song swells just as you’re nearing the peak, pushing you ahead. The awesome trainers are not going to tell you to speed up unless the beat is moving right along with you. I don’t know how Aaptiv trainers manage to coordinate everything so precisely, but I appreciate no longer trying to unlock my phone with sweaty fingers (impossible!) to skip a song.

New to Working Out?

Stepping on a treadmill or elliptical for the first time can be intimidating. Hell, going out for a walk or run in your neighborhood can be daunting. How fast should you go? What incline do you use? How far must you go in order to erase the shame of eating all that Halloween candy you swore you weren’t going to open yet? (Asking for a friend). Aaptiv takes out all of the guesswork. Your personal trainer will let you know when to speed up, when to push that incline, and when to take a breather. Anyone new to a workout will love having a supportive, enthusiastic guide to lead the way. Plus, there are literally dozens of workouts to choose from in each category, so you will never get bored.

Seasoned Pro?

Are you a disciplined athlete? Are you in amazing shape, but looking to try something new? Aaptiv is not just for beginners. Aaptiv is chock full of advanced workouts. Looking to take your running to the next level? I can tell you that the advanced workouts are no joke. As a gal who ran a half marathon a few months ago, I thought I was advanced. I’m here to tell you, Aaptiv advanced workouts sent me a message loud and clear. In short, they kicked my ass and I’ve decided to stick with intermediate ones for a while! And speaking of half marathons, Aaptiv has amazing training programs if you’d like to try your hand at a 5k, 10k, half or full marathon.

Short on Time

Listen, I’m a mom. I get that time is a precious commodity and we devote almost all of ours to our kids. We are usually the first ones up and the last to go to bed. Personally, I wake up well before the sun and don’t get to bed until 11pm. There are plenty of days when I feel like there’s no time for a workout. Aaptiv is the best workout app for busy parents because all you need is 8 minutes. There are tons of 8-10 minute strength workouts that will make your body burn before releasing you back to your mom duties. Plus, there are more 20-minute high intensity interval workouts than I can count. When my trainer announces that she’s designed a workout that is going to make me burn the most amount of calories in the least amount of time, I am willing to push myself knowing the finish line is in sight. Because let’s face it moms, we might not always have an hour, but we’ve all got twenty minutes while SpongeBob is babysitting entertaining our kids.

Something for Everyone

Maybe you hate running. Maybe you hate being on a machine. Maybe you have no idea what you like when it comes to working out. With Aaptiv, there’s something for everyone. Walking (both indoor and out), elliptical, bike, strength, yoga, even meditation! There is literally something for everyone. Oh man, you got knocked up? Well guess what? There’s an entire maternity program that includes workouts for every trimester AND stroller workouts for when baby arrives! What?! Seriously expecting moms, don’t do what I did for my first pregnancy and replace workouts with cupcakes. It’s not cute at your kid’s first birthday party. I guarantee Aaptiv will make you feel better about yourself than buttercream.

Get the App – For Free!

My story is familiar to so many other parents, and I’m sure my desire to stay healthy and fit is the same. Motherhood is stressful and, yes, wine helps, but I’ve found that regular exercise is a much better option when it comes to stress relief. Plus, who doesn’t want to look their best? I know I do. And, while I hate to admit it, my pants are getting a bit snug with all of the Halloween candy floating around. I can’t be the only one, right? So, join me on Aaptiv and let’s show that mini Snickers who’s boss! I’m so excited to offer you guys the code for a free 30-day membership! Just use this link and follow these instructions using the code BURPEES. If you don’t love it, just cancel via the iTunes Store before the 30 days is up. If you are hooked like me, it will auto renew for $9.99/month – cheaper than most gym memberships. Just think of how many glasses of wine each workout earns you!

 

MMYFB: A Real Case of the Mondays

Mama Makes You Feel Better with a quick re-cap of her Monday. This morning, for the 2nd time this school year, my alarm didn’t go off and I woke up 50 minutes late. As someone who is lazy as hell very efficient in the morning, this means I already sleep in as much as humanly possible and am typically getting into the car at this time.

After the initial freak out, I I threw on some clothes, got in the car, slapped on mascara at a stoplight, hoped my sad hair would be forgiven as an inevitability on this insanely humid day, and got there on time – though I had sleep creases on my arm until midway through first period.

Then, this afternoon, my #kombucha saga continued. This time it exploded in my classroom, all over my desk (and student papers), the floor, and chair…roughly 20 seconds before a class came in. One boy, very concerned, called me aside to speak privately. He informed me that he smelled wine. It seems he had missed that I was ankle deep in useless school-grade paper towels and thought a classmate was getting after it. I reassured him and even attempted to explain what kombucha was before just saying, “I think you’re smelling the vinegar drink I spilled.”

As I now sit at home on this insane Monday, I have several takeaways from the day.

  1. I think it’s safe to say I have misjudged my alarm time as I have clearly proven that I can leave the house within five minutes of waking up. I will certainly be setting my alarm for much later than I have been.
  2.  The universe is doing all it can to stop me from consuming probiotic health drinks and one should never ignore the universe. Tomorrow I should probably start drinking Mountain Dew with my lunch.
  3. There’s no way in hell I am making dinner tonight. I realize this seems to have nothing to do with anything, but I came to that conclusion as I wrote this while sweating profusely in front of the air conditioner. Anyone who even thinks about turning on the stove in this house will get a shaken kombucha opened into their face.

How Young Is Too Young for the Orthodontist?

Graduating from high school in the late 90s meant that I came of age during the era of grunge and Friends. It also meant that, come senior portrait time, I was sporting The Rachel. This was not because it was flattering to my face shape, but because every hair dresser on the planet gave it to you whether you asked for it or not. It also meant that I was “too cool” to wear makeup. As if these two factors alone didn’t guarantee an unfortunate senior portrait, the fact that I had braces sealed the deal. Yes, I visited the orthodontist at the age of 17. In the 90s, visiting the orthodontist into your teenage years was pretty typical. This is a fate my children may never know. After my 7-year-old daughter’s most recent visit to the orthodontist, I’m not sure this is a good thing.

90s Senior Portrait
This is a picture taken of my senior yearbook page. Because my mom didn’t have a copy of this picture in her home. Enough said.

Six months ago, when our family dentist told us that he was going to refer my then 6-year-old daughter to an orthodontist, I thought that maybe there was a nitrous tank leaking in his office. After asking around the schoolyard, I discovered that this is now common practice. Apparently, orthodontists can create a picture perfect smile that will last your child a lifetime, even when your kid is still rocking baby teeth. Well, they at least want to can start the process. I had my doubts, but since I cannot say no to anyone, I made an appointment with the orthodontist. You know, because who knows what that nitrous sniffing dentist would think of me otherwise.

Our first trip to the orthodontist was tons of fun – if your idea of fun involves laying on a dental chair with a frantic child writhing on top of you. My daughter, who has typically done well at the dentist, was terrified of the orthodontist. I’d like to think she was shown a copy of our bill and was protesting in outrage, but I kind of just think she enjoys inflicting physical and emotional pain upon her mother. My daughter would only agree to open her mouth for the orthodontist if she was on my lap. Have you ever sat in a dentist’s chair and hugged a child at the same time? The strain on your neck makes tipping your head back at a salon sink feel like a hot stone massage.

This practice continued for every visit. And those were just consults to look inside her mouth and get her “comfortable in the office.” At her latest appointment, she had to get impressions. She reacted as if we told her we’d be pulling all of her teeth and she’d be eating porridge and gruel the rest of her days. She sobbed hysterically as the hygienist, orthodontist, and I all tried to reassure her that nothing would hurt. I laid there on the chair sweating, getting neck cramps, and wondering whether I’d plucked my chin hairs recently as the orthodontist’s light shined down on my exasperated face. I put my mom through some business when I was younger, but I guarantee she didn’t have to go through this when I got braces.

So why was I doing this? Does it really make a difference physically to get braces at age 7 instead of 12? Are fourth graders not allowed to have wonky teeth anymore? I get not wanting to have braces in high school (believe me, I do), but why isn’t middle school good enough? Aren’t our awkward years the ones when we learn to develop our character? I’d like to think that if I’d had straight teeth in high school that I’d have the personality of a wet blanket. Who needs to make jokes when you have a dazzling smile to win people over? Moreover, are these early trips to the orthodontist simultaneously causing my child emotional turmoil while also depriving her of her character building awkward years?

We were told my daughter needs an expander and braces now, and again in five years. This first go round will make the final one more efficient. In my meeting with the orthodontist, I should have been focusing on words like, “prevent having to pull teeth” or “super easy process at 12.” Instead I was perseverating on the “key” I was supposed to use to stretch the expander on the roof of my daughter’s mouth each week. The mouth of my stubborn child who I imagined holing up in her room to wire her jaw shut in protest. Don’t believe me? You should have seen the jaw strength on this one at her last appointment. She even wrote me an unsolicited apology note that was discreetly left on my bed later that night.

kid apology note
Maybe if your kid can’t spell orthodontist (or picture), they’re too young for braces. PS: I never got that pecher.

This last trip to the orthodontist has made me question today’s new orthodontic practices. Are 7-year-old’s ready to maintain a mouthful of expensive orthodontics? If my kid freaks out over impressions, what is she going to do when she experiences mouth soreness after a tightening, or, worse yet, the sharp pain of a broken bracket? When I experienced these discomforts, I was old enough to appreciate the “no pain, no gain” mantra. I was willing to do whatever it took to attain the end product – a straight smile. My kid is going into second grade. In a world where  jack-o-lantern smiles are celebrated, she has zero interest in having straight teeth. Basically, there is no incentive for little ones to appreciate or care for their orthodontics. So why bother?

I made an appointment for my daughter to start this process – you didn’t expect me to say no in person, did you? But I am having second thoughts. Surely someone so young and terrified can wait just a few years? Perhaps we can all agree that she’s still got a few cute years left in the yearbook and her 7th grade class picture should be the most awkward. Never fear though, we’ll make sure her senior portrait is memorable for one thing and one thing only – a bad haircut.

WMDW: The Straws That Broke Mama’s Back

If your house is anything like mine, you can walk into any room and find a used juice box straw, or, worse yet, the wrapper of one. I have always found this mildly annoying, but after two full months of this, I am ready to blow a gasket every time I see one. I recently may or may not have threatened to take juice boxes away for two weeks if I saw any evidence of juice box consumption on the couch. Well, it seems I underestimated my dear daughters because they doubled down on Mama’s threats. They are now collecting the straws. Yes, they are collecting used juice box straws. Well played, girls.

They aren’t just collecting these straws whole. No, they are taking their straws and cutting them into filthy germ-filled pieces beads and storing them in an old lunch box. Their goal is to fill the lunch box and then turn these straws into necklaces. To think, I once thought their desire to collect Dixie cups was their rock bottom.

collected straws
That’s what a lunch box full of cut up straws looks like.

Maybe I should be focusing on their desire to reuse plastic. Perhaps I should hope that this leads to successful careers as modern artists focusing on repurposing common household items. Instead, I am living in constant fear that this lunchbox is going to spill or that I’ll one day be forced to wear a necklace covered in the residue of kid backwash.

straw collector
Why can’t she have this much pride in…literally anything?

Either way, Mama’s going to drink some wine and consider which is worse – the wrath of my children if I throw this crap out, or the pain of cleaning these out from every crevice in my home for the next few months.  

When Trump Blames “Many Sides” He Contradicts Vital Lessons We Teach Our Children

On Saturday, my husband and I sent our daughters outside to play as we watched the horrific images coming out of Charlottesville. We watched as men clad in swastikas, carrying weapons and torches, shouted hate throughout the streets of a typically lovely, tranquil college town. We watched as a car rammed into a crowd on a street usually filled with students and families out for a stroll or a bite to eat. We then watched, equally horrified, as our president placed the blame on many sides. I peered out the window at my daughters innocently playing in the backyard and was as grateful that they hadn’t heard these words as I was that they hadn’t seen the images of the protest.

Blaming many sides contradicts critical life lessons we teach our children. When we blame many sides, we equate the behavior of hate-filled groups who stand for the oppression of others to the behavior of those who are willing to risk their own safety to stand up against hate. When we give people a pass for standing alongside Nazis, but denounce those who stand up to them, we need to stop and think about what message this sends to the impressionable youth of our country.

Bullying prevention is taught in school across America. We teach our children what we know to be true, that bullies and victims are few and the majority of the participants are bystanders, those who witness bullying and do nothing to stop it. Most kids are bystanders out of fear of retaliation, or feelings of helplessness. While the mindset of a bystander is completely understandable and teachers are sympathetic to their feelings, we encourage them to act as upstanders. We implore our students to stand up for someone being bullied, assuring them that they will be protected. If we can expect an 8-year-old to be an upstander, then why aren’t we encouraging adults to do the same?

When our president condemns “many sides,” he condemns the upstander right along with the bully. President Trump is equating men marching through streets spewing hate to the men and women who filled the city center of their community to show that hate does not have a place there. On one hand there is a bully marching for the oppression of women, immigrants, people of color, and the LGBTQ communities, and on the other is the upstander sticking up for those who have been marginalized. By placing equal blame on upstanders, we are sending a message to our children to allow hate. We are teaching them apathy. We are telling our children to continue being bystanders, for otherwise they will be condemned along with the bully.  

strong kids

As parents, we have concern over who our children spend time with. We want to meet our children’s friends and their parents so that we may consider their values and character. We encourage our children to surround themselves with positive influences who will bring out the best in them. We are concerned over who our children align themselves with socially because we know that these people will not only have influence over them, but also determine how they are judged by their peers, their teachers, and people in their community.

If my child was continually hanging out with friends who openly used drugs, though assured me she was drug free, would I feel unconcerned? Of course not. Even if she stayed sober, she would be aligning herself with a group whose values did not stand with her own. School officials and future employers would have every right to question her judgement. If the police entered a room filled with drugs, she would find herself in trouble just by being present. We teach our children that they are a reflection of those around them. We must hold adults to the same standard.

When we refuse to condemn white nationalists for Saturday’s despicable riots because “other groups” were also marching, we give people a free pass to align themselves with hate while skirting blame. Forgive me if I have little sympathy for men who claim to have been marching simply to save an historic relic. You chose to knowingly march with leaders and members of the Ku Klux Klan and neo-Nazi groups. You chose to align yourselves with hatred and you should reap the consequences, whether that be public shame or a loss of your employment.

When our president makes vague remarks about placing blame on “many sides” and refuses to condemn hate groups, he is sending a clear message to our children. Waiting two days to condemn specific hate groups still sends the same message. My children were playing outside on Saturday, but many weren’t. Children and teens across the nation heard the words of the president and received a message which blatantly contradicts the lessons they have been taught by their parents and teachers. Today, they heard a politician backpedal after national outrage that spread across party lines. So what can we do?

We let them hear our outrage. We let them know that today’s words were a start, but not good enough. We teach our children that hate is unacceptable. We encourage our children to stand up against hate of all kinds. We teach them to make their friends based on who is kind and who brings out the best in them, no matter their race, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation. Whether they see a classmate being teased over her headscarf or the contents of his lunchbox, I will teach my daughters to be fierce friends who always choose to be the upstander.

I will teach with my words and I will show with my actions. If I want my daughters to be fierce, they need a mother who is too. So my daughters will see me feel anger over injustice. They will see me defend anyone being subjected to hate and oppression. They will see their mother align herself with people and groups that celebrate inclusion and love. For my daughters, there will only be one side, and that will be the side that fights hate. Always.

The Free App That Makes Family Planning Easy

Did you know that it’s possible to bring on an anxiety attack just by looking at a child’s sports schedule? It is. And I had one.

Back in January, when the winter chill had clearly messed with my head, I decided to sign my children up for Little League and soccer. Perhaps it was while watching them try to tear each other’s hair out over a sticker book. Or maybe it was when my older daughter pushed her little sister off the couch because she was blocking her view of the television. Either way, I signed them up during a major bought of cabin fever. With an intense longing for temperatures above 5 degrees, I envisioned a springtime full of outdoor family fun, free of winter stress and worry.

I was a fool.

The carefree springtime of my fantasies was quickly replaced with the cold, hard reality of juggling the logistics of two kids, four sports teams, and two shell shocked parents. Oh, and I can’t forget about dance classes and Girl Scouts. Apparently, we overextended ourselves.

Stress Free Sports

You see, in many areas of parenthood, we now consider ourselves well-seasoned. My husband is expert at school drop off. No easy feat when dropping your kids off on the shoulder of the Long Island Expressway during rush hour would be less complicated than your school’s drop off lane. When he’s away, I can do dinner and bedtime solo like a champ.  We can both do a road trip with our eyes closed. But two kids in spring sports? We may as well be first time parents bringing a newborn home. Except, instead of a “Baby on Board” sign, we need something to say, “Excuse our excessive speed while we try to get to our fourth game today.”

Who knew life could get this busy? Apparently everyone I have mentioned spring sports to. Where were these people when I was guzzling wine and signing my kids up for every activity available to them? My husband and I also thought it would be “fun” to run a half marathon this spring. Because who doesn’t have time for two hour training runs on the weekend? Good idea.

All of these decisions were made in the dead of winter. I am convinced that getting trigger happy with children’s sports registrations was our version of Jack Nicholson running around an abandoned hotel with an ax.

An actual photo of me this January.

Thankfully, I discovered a FREE app that has made our lives so much easier. Still crazy, but easier.

*** Disclaimer – This post contains affiliate links and I earn a small commission from sales rendered through the links. As always, I only feature companies that I know and love.***

Cozi is a complete game-changer. It’s an app that allows you to coordinate all of your family’s activities through a shared calendar. When you have two kids with jam-packed calendars and two parents whose crazy schedules do not end at 5 every night, it’s a necessity.

And okay, I use the word “discovered” lightly because my friend Lea told me about Cozi months ago, but I never set it up. She raved about how much easier it made coordinating the busy schedule of her family of five. She also noted that the words, “It’s in the Cozi” helped prevent many an argument – it’s worth it for that alone.

Let’s be honest, I didn’t get Cozi up because I’m lazy and maybe I get great satisfaction from complaining about my husband not telling me when his gigs are.

Spring sports changed everything. When I looked at the schedules I knew that I could never remember who was supposed to be where and when, let alone make sure my husband was on the same page. I also knew that my husband and I had to know each other’s schedules if we were ever going to get our girls where they needed to be. Shouting, “Oh yeah, I have a conference call tonight at 7,” from the shower wasn’t going to cut it when one of us needed to be on the field.

I set up Cozi in a matter of minutes, plugged in all of our practices and games, plugged in all my after-work meetings and events, had my husband do the same, and breathed a sigh of relief. Our schedule is still crazy, but plotted out on a calendar that my husband and I both have (and changes in real time) made things feel manageable. Plus, if you sign up before May 31st, they are offering a free printable that puts the entire summer schedule on one handy sheet – that camp schedule is no match for you!

Plus, there are so many other perks. My husband usually does the grocery shopping (I know, don’t hate me) but I never seem to manage to send him a list until he’s already been there for 30 minutes. And for a dude that always has his phone muted, my frantic texts go unseen until he’s home without the tub of yogurt I desperately need. With Cozi, your family can have a shared, running grocery list. If someone picks up lawn bags on their way home one day, they can take it off the list with the click of a button.

Get Cozi, the #1 family organizing app

There’s also a ton of other amazing features. It allows you to meal plan and look up recipes. The best part? If you find a recipe you like, you can add all of the ingredients to your grocery list with the click of a button. Whaaat? Amazing!

And do you want to know the best part? It’s free! Yes, free! And I’m talking forever free. Not a free trial that charges you after a month. You don’t have to provide any payment info at all. You can upgrade to the paid version separately, but so far our family is completely happy with the free version and has no plans to upgrade.

If you want to manage your family’s crazy schedule with ease, click this link and watch everything fall into place. It truly is all you need to keep your sanity this sport’s season. Well, that and a well concealed flask.

 

Cozi, the #1 family organizing app

WMDW: Half Marathon Training Edition

Mama’s drinking wine tonight because, how else does a frazzled mom train for a half marathon? Seriously, if you know of a better way, then by all means, share it with me, ’cause I’m apparently running one in three days.

I was seriously into running a half marathon about three months ago. Winter me imagined May me to be a picture of health and athleticism. Winter me is an idiot.

Don’t get me wrong, I was pretty good there for a while. I was following the half marathon training program I printed off the internet and stuck to my fridge like I was… hmmm, I’d love to drop a long distance runner name here, but I literally can’t think of one. Prefontaine? He ran marathons, right? The fact that I’m unsure shows you how little business I have running this race.

Anyway, I was weekend long running like a champ until my children’s spring sports’ schedule started. Between baseball, soccer, and dance my husband and I haven’t been able to watch a 30-minute show together in the last month let alone fit in two hours for a long run. Did you know that the New York Yankees have fewer games and practices than my 6- and 4-year-olds? Fact.

So, my goal of 9 1/2 minute miles quickly changed to “just running the whole thing,” which then deteriorated to, “If I have to walk, I have to walk,” and has now reached “as long as I don’t need a medic, I’ll be happy” status.

That’s the point where you just say to yourself, “I could get a training run in right now, but I think I’ll just drink this glass of wine before baseball practice instead.”

Basically, if they give out a medal for the runner who has logged the least amount of miles AND drunk the most ounces liters of wine in the weeks leading up to a race, I’m pretty sure I have it in the bag.

Cheers!

The Perfect Mother’s Day Gift (Other Than a Day By Yourself)

I love Mother’s Day. It’s the one day all year when I don’t have to worry about planning, coordinating, or buying anything… said no mother ever.

Mother’s Day is great. Your little ones come home with adorable crafts that, since they are dated and labeled with “Happy Mother’s Day,” you actually won’t throw away once they go to bed. If you’re like me, you’re lucky enough to even watch the world’s cutest Pre-K class sing songs about how delightful you are. You might even get breakfast made for you while you lounge on the couch. But none of this comes without a cost.

Husbands, while fantastic at making killer waffles and telling the kids not to bother Mommy while she’s peeing, often forget that Mommy isn’t the only mother that should be celebrated on Mother’s Day. There are grandmas and great-grandmas that need to be wined, dined, and gifted on this day, and that means Mommy needs to step in.

Gifting with Ease

In other words, moms, it’s time you thought about buying your mother and mother-in-law some gifts for next Sunday. Because chances are, your husband hasn’t. Lucky you, StoryWorth isn’t just a perfect Christmas gift, it’s also a perfect Mother’s Day gift.

I’ve written before about how much StoryWorth has meant to our family, and it wasn’t just talk. We gifted my mother and mother-in-law with StoryWorth last Christmas, so now, in addition to their beloved Papa, our family members will have more keepsake books being written about their lives. Thanks to StoryWorth, old family stories and anecdotes will not get lost with time, but will be remembered and retold by my children and future generations.

Mother's Day StoryWorth

And it’s invaluable for moms who thought that Daddy was taking care of gifts this year, because it’s the perfect last minute gift! There’s nothing to be shipped – just log in and choose to have your StoryWorth gift emailed on Mother’s Day morning. You could even wait until the big day itself, and Grandma would be none the wiser!

If you’d like to give the gift that says you love someone so much that you want to learn more about them, buy StoryWorth this Mother’s Day by using this or any of the other links provided.

And if any dads out there are reading this, be a Mother’s Day hero and let your wife know that you’ve taken care of everything this Mother’s Day! Which means – buy Storyworth AND make some dinner reservations that include everyone!

PS: To My Dearest Husband. If you’d like to get me StoryWorth, wow, that’s really sweet. Just make sure it comes with me shamelessly sipping on wine while watching a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon while you tend to the children.

MMYFB: Messy Couch Edition

Mama Makes You Feel Better Tonight with a glimpse of her messy couch. It’s well established that I am a mess. But we have reached new heights in my home this week. In fact, my husband just said, “Nooo, don’t post it,” with a look of real concern when I told him I took a picture of the couch. He has some sense of shame. I, clearly, have none.

So, here it is in all its glory.

messy couch
The messiest couch in America.

That’s laundry that needs folding, stuffed animals, toys, and a book bag from school that I’m quite certain was supposed to be returned yesterday. It’s shocking even by my low standards. So, naturally, I did what any good mom would do–I gave my kids the iPad, ordered pizza for dinner, shoved that pile over, and starting watching a true-crime documentary on the OWN Network.

Happy Friday fellow moms!

Lice Autocorrects to Love

Did you know that on the iPhone the word lice autocorrects to love? It makes sense considering the only foolproof way to know whether you truly love someone is to determine whether you’d allow them to be in your presence while literally infested with bugs. Milo Ventimiglia himself could show up at my front door, but, God help me, if that perfect man had even one nit, he’d find his ass on the curb.

I recently arrived home after a weekend away to a husband and children in the midst of a lice scare. Allowing them to remain in the house with me is the only proof they will ever need to know my love for them. The Great Lice Scare of 2017 was incredibly eye opening and I’d like to share with you all the immense knowledge I have gained in the past 36 hours.

at the nit picker
Not the kind of “salon” a mom wants to bring her kid to.
  1. You can desperately love someone and simultaneously be disgusted by them. I didn’t run from my home screaming when I thought my daughter’s hair was infested, but I most certainly did not hug her.
  2. The thought of having to launder and/or vacuum all the bedding, carpets, furniture, stuffed animals, and clothing your child has come in contact with is almost as horrifying as the thought that they have bugs living on their head. Almost.
  3. The power of our minds is incredible. For instance, with my words alone, I bet I am making you itch right now.
  4. Lice means that the idea of burning your house to the ground and starting over doesn’t seem so preposterous.
  5. “Nit picker” is an actual profession. These people own businesses dedicated entirely to killing bugs and removing nits from other people’s hair. Watching them work is both fascinating and horrifying.
  6. Nit pickers bill more an hour than most lawyers. They earn every single penny.
  7. There are times in life when I like to be thrifty. Lice removal is not one of them.
  8. My daughter screams bloody murder when I brush her freshly conditioned hair with a $25 “no tears” brush that barely touches her. She will, however, sit calmly while a man in a head lamp meticulously combs through her hair with a fine-toothed metal comb that looks like a medieval torture device.
  9. I apparently do not know the difference between dandruff and a nit. While my children may be victims of dry, flaky scalps, they did not, in fact, have lice.
  10. Handing over cash to a professional who has just told me that my kids don’t have lice is worth the peace of mind. I would have hugged the man if he didn’t deal in lice all day.

In case you weren’t aware, it’s still Lent. So, while my husband and I consulted the nit picker over the phone on Sunday night, and sent our children off to bed with what we thought were insect eggs in their hair, I sipped a cup of tea. The Easter Bunny better leave a bottle of bourbon in my basket next month.